Tuesday, February 8, 2011
P90X - Day 1 = Epic Failure
I can barely type this. I'm a bitch. I started P90X yesterday and it destroyed me. How the hell do the fat people from the infomercials even try this. Day 1 was shoulders and back followed by a 16 minute abs sessions where I had to do over 400 exercise repetitions. I literally looked like a fish flopping on the floor because I couldn't do half of the exercises. Now I can barely lift my arms above my waist. I always knew it was going to be hard but not this hard. Who knows. Tonight is plyometrics, which I think is jumping and stuff. I can jump! Not very high anymore, but I should be able to jump better than doing diamond push ups and 17 different kinds of pull ups. Oh yeah, I've also convinced my roommate Fuzzy to try and do P90X with me. He fared much better at yesterday's exercises but he has been going to the gym forever. I'll keep you posted. Get it.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Eating Before Bed is a Terrible Idea
OK so let's hop right into it. So there's a DJ at my bar who is a big time drug dealer. I'm talking this guy can get you anything from uppers to downers to pills that make you go up and down like one of those impulse-buy bouncy balls you get as you're leaving the toy store. There are often two types of drug dealers in Hollywood. First there's your shady drug dealer who only the really desperate dopers or naive tourists go to. Then there's your drug dealer who deals drugs because there is no frat scene for guys in their 30s and they need some way to make friends. This DJ falls in the latter category. This guy is always trying to throw me free drugs because I gave his girlfriend a free rum and coke earlier in the night. Normally, he tries to slip me some drugs and get me to go to some after hours rave with him. With me working two jobs and actively trying to avoid slipping into the Hollywood abyss, I normally deny his offer of psychedelic treats. This past Thursday was a bit different, however.
It was another long night of assholes and idiots at the bar. The end of the night finally comes and I'm strung out. The DJ, whom I have never seen tired in my life, comes up to me as I'm closing up and offers me this hash chocolate bar. Normally, I would have said no, but I said what the fuck and popped the whole thing in my mouth. The DJ turns to me and advises me that I should only eat a quarter of it, and even that would have me tripping out. SHIT! I tell him that I ate the whole thing and I see his eyes widen in distress and intrigue (not the best sign when a drug addicted drug dealer seems worried). He asks if I had eaten dinner. I of course hadn't. He tells me I should try and get home as quickly as possible before the edible kicks in.
So I race home, trying to expedite the 45 minute commute as much as possible. OF course the highway is shut down for construction, so I have to take the backstreets all the way home. I finally get home and feel nothing. By now, I figure the DJ has just given me some bogus shit. Exhausted, I collapse on my bed, set the alarm for the morning, and pass out.
Next thing I know the alarm rings, and I sit up to get ready for my serious day job. Now I am not exaggerating when I say that I am now FUCKED UP. I can barely see, I can't walk a straight line, and my body is tweaking out. I stumble to the bathroom and take a look in the mirror to find my reflection looking like it has been on a four day bender. I looked so stoned, even other stoners would say I look messed up. Now I'm having a panic attack because I am freaking out about work. I can't go to work like this. I'll get fired. I try calling in sick but it's too early and nobody is in the office yet. You know those dreams you have where you are somehow physically impaired. That's how this felt. I also couldn't keep my mouth closed. I know, shit was crazy. I take a shower and get in my car, my mouth still wide open and my elbow spazzing out every few seconds. Surrounding drivers must have been like, "What the hell is wrong with this kid?" Somehow I make it to work, and every time I walk by a coworker I put my hand over my face like I'm rubbing something out of my eyes. The paranoia kicks in, making for a long day of believing that everyone knows I'm high and I'm going to get fired. After sneaking away for about eight naps, I finally sober up around three in the afternoon. I hope this served as a cautionary tale for people never to eat before they go to bed.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Bosby's Billboards: "Seriously Funny Kids"
OK so my resolutions for the new year aren't going so well. As an advocate for seizing the moment and going with the flow, putting restraints on yourself can often be harmful. While I have still cut down my drinking and smoking, that hasn't stop me from buying an exceedingly long pipe from Venice this past weekend. Not only did I smoke a couple of times this week but I looked like Gandalf from Lord of the Rings while doing so. I also threw my "10 drinks a week" rule out the window. I ended up out late last night on the Strip where I saw Ron Jeremy with two smoking hot chicks even though he was dressed like it was laundry day. Lemmy the lead singer of Motorhead was also at the bar playing video poker all night. Only in Hollywood will you find celebrities out by themselves hogging video solitaire for three straight hours.
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| Lemmy and some of my coworkers (Looks like they just robbed a bank). |
Hey you know what game we haven't played in a while? Bosby's Billboards! In our last edition I pointed out the ridiculousness of the billboard for "Teach," a reality show starring the impeccable Tony Danza. This time I'd like to direct our attention to yet another reality show called "Seriously Funny Kids." The concept appears to be a spin off of "Kids Say the Darnedest Things." Below is a picture of the actual billboard that hangs over Sunset Blvd.
Where do we begin? First, Heidi Klum looks like a man in this picture, albeit a man with a uni-boob. The wrinkles in her shirt make it look like she's playing some bizarre version of stand-up twister. It is as if they tried as much as possible to make her look matronly while stripping away all her good looks. Now I'm not one to judge (being that all my clothes are from old roommates or Kohls) but it looks like she stole her shirt either from a nurse or one of the Von Trapp children. And that bracelet on her wrist makes it look like her arm has eyes.
The kid meanwhile is straight out of a middle school Spanish text book. You know what I'm talking about. Spanish textbooks were more diverse and politically correct than an episode of Glee. They always had pictures of Pepe, the parapalegic Inuit, having a catch with Mercedes, the dyslexic Ethiopian transvestite. What the hell could he be saying to her that would warrant that bizarre pose and expression she has? "Fuck Seal?" or "I'm actually a struggling 29 year old actor and I'm hung like a moose?" Well whatever he's saying, it's given Heidi the uncontrollable urge to eat her own finger. Lastly, why couldn't they choose just one font for the billboard. There are 8 different fonts! Why not throw Wing dings up there. The advertising company must have said, "People looooovvvvvve crazy fonts!" All in all, I find this billboard does nothing to generate interest in the new program. I take that back - some people will see this billboard and definitely watch this show. By "some people" I am of course referring to pedophiles who get off on multicultural children in denim shirts.
Another Bosby Moment of Absurdity
You have to watch this video a few times just to catch all the priceless details. Why are girls wearing hooded sweatshirts for a race?
Thursday, January 20, 2011
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