Bosby Tune of the Day: "Change" by Blind Melon

Sorry for the lack of Bosby posts recently but it has been pretty hectic with the holidays and all. Expect a Bosbypalooza of rapid fire posts immediately following Xmas. Till then, enjoy this sick acoustic version of "Change" by Blind Melon.

Bosby Tune of the Day: "Back Like That Remix" by Ghostface Killah

Celeb Phone Calls and Unemployed Idiots

So what has the Bosby learned since landing this new job?  Well, I learned that Bobcat Goldwaithe doesn't actually talk the way he does in the Police Academy movies.  He stopped in yesterday to drop off a tin of cookies for my boss and was actually a very down to earth dude.  Pretty disappointing.  Next thing you know I'm going to learn that the black sound effect dude was lip synching.  What else did I learn? Ah yes, don't fuck with Marvin Gaye's widow.  She'll call about once every couple of months and demand to speak to one of the managers.  If he's not immediately available she'll start throwing a hissy fit over the phone.  For example, when I informed her that the person she was looking for was in a meeting, she replied with "Is he realllllyy in a meeting.  What could be more important than my phone call?"  Waaaaahhhhhh!  Everyday I speak with clients over the phone.  Most are very polite.  Robin Williams is the most somber man ever on the phone.  When I ask whom is calling, he always calmly responds "This is Mr. Robin Williams."  Pretty bad ass.  Other's like VH1's Patrice O'Neal always makes up fake names like Scatman Crothers (the black dude from the Shining).  Phone etiquette with celebrities is a tricky thing.  You can't skip a beat even if someone like Bin Laden calls.  You just have to say, "One moment Mr. Bin Laden."  The worst is when then person they're looking forward is unavailable.  For example, years ago when I was interning at Sony and covering the front desk when a man called.  He muttered over the phone and said his name was DW@#$? Maguire.  I told him the producer, who was my boss, he was looking for was unavailable.  He sounded confused and hung up.  Well, turns out it was Toby Maguire and I got in deep shit for not tracking down the guy he was looking for.  That's when I learned always to make sure you know who you are talking with on the phone.

Scatman

Everyday hundreds of recent college grads get off the bus to pursue their Hollywood dreams.  How you find your first job is a tricky thing.  Be that as it may, I saw the most absurd effort at landing a first job today.  Waiting to cross the street in West Hollywood, I noticed a cheap piece of computer paper stapled to a telephone pole.  On this sheet of paper was an advertisement for a $1000 reward to whomever could find this random dude a job.  The kid was a recent engineering grad out of the University of Delaware.  The ad stated that whoever finds him his first job, will receive $1000 out of his first paycheck.  Like this dude's going to make anywhere near $1000 per paycheck.  This thing even had his picture.  It looked like an ad people put up at public swim clubs advertising their babysitting or tutoring services.  On the bottom were tabs containing all his contact information.  This guy's either going to land a sick job, orrr get raped and murdered.  But hey, whatever works...

Bosby Tune of the Day: "Hands of Time" by Groove Armada ft. Richie Havens

Little story about this song.  I brought a girl over once and we're doing the business when this song comes on in the background.  We both get really into it along with the music.  It was glorious.  So I decide to make a 'lets get it on' playlist with this song as the lead in.  About a month later a girl's coming up to my room so I dim the lights and put this song on lightly in the background.  We start making out and she stops us.  "What the fuck is this," she says referring to the music.  My soul was crushed.  Still a great song though.

Bosby and the Tale of the Supercuts Guru

Hey what do you do?  I hate hate hate hate that question.  Remember when you first started college and you asked everyone, "Hey what's your major?"  The main difference between the two questions?... You pick your major, you don't pick your job.  Especially in a time when the economy is suffering so badly, nobody really picks their job right out of college.  I don't care what you do for a living.  I really don't.  Odds are your working some bull shit job to pay your loans and make sure you stay out of your parent's house.  What you do for a living probably probably bears no reference to the type of person you are. The reason why this question is so prevalent in Los Angeles is the reason why most people dislike this city.  People who hate LA claim that it's because everyone is fake.  This is true but what do they really mean?  Everyone is fake in LA, or at least the entertainment biz, because it's all about 'what can you do for me?'  The notion of Hollywood networking is foreign to nobody, and I have become the most jaded of all.  I don't believe anybody really cares about what I do.  Girls will try and talk to me at a bar and the minute they say "What do you do?" I walk away.  Seriously.  Some girls find this intriguing and follow.  Others call me an asshole until my friends explain the disdain I have for bullshit small talk.  My annoyance probably stems from the fact that I'm not satisfied with what I'm currently doing.  I never ask people what they do for work because I don't want them to reciprocate the question.  This may somehow be linked to how I also am never able to remember peoples' names until I've heard it 20 times.  What I hear:  Hi!, my name is BEEEEEEEEEEEEP.


What brings this tirade about?  Wellll I'm getting my hair cut at the local Supercuts last night when the barberess, a middle aged Asian woman who speaks broken English, asks me what I do.  What could I do?  The woman's holding a sharp pair of scissors two inches from my jugular.  I tell her the abridged story of Bosby, and she responds with "Well, what do you want to do?"  Another GREAT question...  Not quite sure, I'm not 100% sure at the moment.  "So your kind of in a haze right now," she says.  Finally somebody gets me and she works at a Supercuts on Venice Blvd.  She then pauses and gives me her wisdom on how to finally turn my life around.   "You need to eat a big meal."

WHAAAAAAATTTTTT????  That's what was running through my head, but remember she's got the scissors.  So I just stare wide eyed at my reflection.  She then proceeds to tell me that drinking lots of alcohol makes your hair grow faster.

So now you know never to ask Bosby "What do you do?"  Warn your friends, family, and human resource employees.

Another Bosby Moment of Absurdity

Please fast forward to the 1:40 mark.

Bosby Tune of the Day: "Stand by Me" by John Lennon

Party Ideas for the New Year

Tomorrow is the holiday Christmas party for the office and I don't even think I'm invited.  They've had me picking up all the booze and decorations, yet no one has formally asked me to come.  This time of year there are millions of holiday parties going.  From the classic formal get together to the very popular ugly sweater party, it seems that at this time of the year the party themes get a little redundant.  Thankfully, I'm here to impart some creative new party ideas.  Remember, the key to a great themed party is total participation by those attending.  There's nothing lamer than a themed party where only a portion of the people are participating.  For example, Fuzzy would throw themed parties in Boston where it seemed like only the people living in the house were dressed up.  Don't be afraid to turn away those that aren't dressed as the theme.  Make it clear in the invitation that proper attire is required for entry.  In addition, make sure you give enough advance notice to let people prepare their costumes.  Don't spring some theme on people the week of the party.  Here are some of the more successful parties that I have thrown in the past.

1.  Anything But Cups Party AKA Two Girls, No Cup Party

The theme is all in the name of the party.  Guests must bring their own receptacle to drink out.  The catch is that this receptacle cannot be something you would find in your kitchen.  That means no glasses, no mugs, not even a pot.  It may seem difficult but the options are endless.  I've thrown this party three times in three different cities, and each time people have brought crazier stuff.  Gas cans, mailboxes, whiffle ball bats, syringes, and more.  Kegs are recommended, as well as hiding all the cups in your place. 

Boot was stolen from a bowling alley.  Also notice the rocker tee on this guy.

2.  70s Porn Star Party

Everyone knows how girls like to dress up in the sexiest outfits for parties.  If you told them that it was Tiger Wood's Mistresses themed party I'm sure they would oblige.  So put a fun spin on it and make it a 70s Porn Star Themed Party.  Think Boogie Nights.  The options are endless for both girls and guys.  Mustaches, real or if necessary fake, are a must for guys.  Throw on some classic 70s  funk, and you'll be bumping and grinding in no time.

Give weeks notice so as to allow mustache growth.

3.  Jr. Prom Party

This party takes a lot of work, but is probably the most fun and memorable.  Require people to find dates and set a formal theme that people vote on before hand.  Have people vote for a prom song as well.  Set up a picture taking area with a backdrop for people to take formal prom pictures with their dates.  Trust me, people will get very amped about this party.  It will throw them right back to high school and make everyone gossip over who is taking who.  At the party, have people vote for prom king and queen.  The winners will slow dance in front of everyone towards the end of the party.

4. Roller Kingdom Kegger

The best party I have ever attended, however, was called Roller Kingdom Kegger.  Once a year, these guys in Boston would put this party together where every guest must pay $30 and sign a waiver.  After the guest list is set, a dozen buses would take 200 people to a roller skating rink over an hour outside of the city.  There you will find over a 15 kegs surrounding a skating rink.  You can figure out the rest.  What makes the party great is how everyone dresses up and goes balls to the wall.  Below is the video of 2007's Roller Kingdom Kegger.

So let's make a vow for the new year.  No more toga, ugly sweater, black and white, ____ pros/joes/exc. and ____ hos, or supreme justice themed parties.  Be creative and make your party something new and exciting that people will look forward to and talk about long after.

A Rolling Bosby Gathers No Health Benefits

Christmas in July.  That's what it feels like out here.  The sun is out and it's 75 degrees outside.  Still LA is covered in Christmas decorations.  The 9000 Mexican radio stations are playing "Feliz Navidad" and "Donde esta mi regalo, porque yo quiero una bicicleta."  Old aspiring actors that never made it are sweating their balls off on overheated promenades.  Chestnuts are roasting on an open wildfire that is reaking havoc twenty miles south of the city.  The only snow is falling out of Paris Hilton's bag at LAX.  And Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is some creepy transvestite prostitute who lives in Macarthur Park and specializes in something called nasal sex.  As you can see, it's fairly difficult to get in to the holiday spirit out here.  Thankfully, I'm going to be able to make it back to the northeast for the holidays. 

So what did I do today.  Well I guess the high point was picking up a package for Everclear.  Yes...Everclear of the late 1990s.  They are still together and unsuccessful as ever.  Still, teenage nostalgia brought me back to the days when you would listen to the radio and genuinely get excited when a song you liked came on the radio.  This was the only way you could hear a specific song without buying the CD.  Then there were those who recorded their favorite music off the radio onto a tape.  Ahh good times. 

O Everclear, tell me where did you go?  Yeah you had the world inside your hand but you did not seem to know.

Well when I got back to the office, I had to help a lifetime assistant down to her car.  Lifetime assistants are those people who lost their aspiration to rise above the assistant position.  They're often women in their 30s or 40s who have been at the same desk for over twenty years.  On the way down she offered some advice that I really took to heart and would like to impart to ya'll.  She advised me to not get stuck at a particular company.  I could see the pain in her eyes as she said that.  She went on to emphasize that I put in my time and then get out of this company.  Although I already shared this notion to an extent, I realized just how difficult it is to drop the security of a job and move on.  To essentially halt all the progress you've made at a company and start from scratch at a new one.  Loyalty in the workplace is an overrated attribute in modern society.  With the future in such social and financial uncertainty, it's easy for someone to put in twenty years at a job only to suddenly learn that they are unemployed.  When you are working at a company, restaurant, or any job for that matter you feel like it's your entire life.  Your coworkers feel like family and you feel like an essential employee and friend.  Now leave that job and come back two years later.  Everyone has moved on.  The work you did has been forgotten and the people you worked with now feel like mere aquaintances.  That's why you need to create your own accomplishments and not let your life be defined by where you work.  You truly are swimming with sharks out here.  Those that stop moving, start dying and eventually become a barnacle on a desk.  The highlights of your year soon become office birthday cake parties and some half assed holiday bash at the Sheraton.  I need to keep motivated and unsatisfied.  Who cares if I don't stay at the company long enough to get dental?  Let's hope we all stay this way. 

Bosby Tune of the Day: "Into the Mystic" by the Swell Season

Did I Mention that the Bartender Hates You!

So this is day two of working double time at my two jobs.  I get to work in Beverly Hills at 9:00AM, then shoot straight over to the bar at 7:00PM, and then get out of work around 3:00AM in Hollywood.  This gives me about 4 solid hours of sleep a night.  While this lifestyle is no stranger to anyone who went to college, it does shorten my patience with all the drunk idiots that roll into my bar after I've been working for 16 hours.  And with that I'd like to present you with a new edition of The Bartender Hates You!  

1.  Never ask the bartender for things that are out of his control.  Furthermore don't ask for things that you want but would affect everyone else at the bar.  What I mean is you don't ask the bartender to turn up the AC or the heat.  What am I supposed to do?  Put ice down your shirt?  Blow on your neck?  Don't complain to me if you're waiting an hour for a table.  Waaahhhhh!  But worst of all is when people ask the bartender to change the music.  Do I look like a DJ?  "Hey can you guys put on a song from my Ipod?"  Are you kidding me?  This isn't your friend's basement.  No one wants to listen to your shitty acoustic cover of "Party in the USA."  And who carries an iPod out with them at the bars anyway?  Answer: socially retarded douchebags who think girls are going to say, "Hey this song is really great, and because you are the one who introduced it to me, I want to bang you."

2.  Don't ask the bartender what's a good bar to go to.  It's like being in a job interview and asking what's a better place to work.  People do this all of the time, especially in Hollywood where it's all tourists and vampires from the valley.  I'm not a tour guide.  Do you go to parties at your friend's house and ask them if there are any better parties in the neighborhood.  Usually guys ask me this question, "Hey where can we go to dance?"  Welll, in your horizontally striped polo and boat shoes, you can probably only get into the hooters and masturbate under the table while eating some chicken wings.  Spicy.

3.  Do not pay for a five dollar drink with a credit card and then ask to close the tab. I know this is unavoidable sometimes, and I understand it happens.  What kills the bartender is when you come up to the bar throughout the night and keep paying for individual drinks with your credit card.  Time is money, and when I'm waiting for the credit card machine for 2 minutes so you can leave me a dollar tip...You get the point.  Carry cash. It's the best way to never leave your credit card behind and bartenders will start to avoid you if you're getting cheap drinks and paying with credit.  This rule also applies when you try and pay for multiple drinks with several different cards.


4.  Do not order some obscure drink you had while on a cruise ship or you learned when you were in douche bag bartending school.  People do this all the time.  They'll order bullshit like a Silver Orangatan Gangbang or a Nazi Julie Andrews and then scoff at me when I ask them what's in it.  They never actually know what's in it, so they then proceed to pull up the drink on their iPhone.  It almost always has 900 ingredients including obscure shit like tangerine schnapps or essence of Mormon.  After I take twenty minutes to match the drink recipe perfectly, they'll tip me a buck and say it tastes different than when they had it last time.  FUCK YOU!  Next time I need a bunsen burner to make a drink, I'm just going to tell the customer to get the hell out of here.


5.  And lastly today's drink you are not allowed to order at a bar is.......JAGERBOMBS!  Jagerbombs are for college students who can only afford to go to some shore town in Virginia for springbreak.  I get how with the whole Jersey shore craze Jager had it's moment, but that moment is gone now.  All Jager does is make people fight their friends and then start drunkenly apologizing as they're thrown out of the bar.  I hope when you drop that shot glass in, it breaks and you swallow broken glass.  I definitely am coming off way angrier than I am in actual life.  Behind the bar it's all smiles and "here ya go."  But this is the Bartender Hates You, and I'm only trying to help ya'll out and let you know why there's human saliva mixed in to your drinks.

Bosby Tune of the Day: "Street Corner Preacher" by Amos Lee

Bosby Lands a Job Bitches

I'm back.  I know it's been a while and we have some catching up to do.  These last couple of weeks have been a sort of a crossroads for young Bosby.  A big problem with Los Angeles is you start to find yourself going in circles.  Everyday the weather is the same, so it's difficult to gauge the passage of time.  Accompany that with an endless supply of cheap marijuana and you soon find yourself sinking into a daily unproductive routine.  Next thing you know it's December and "Feliz Navidad" is playing on all the Mexican radio stations in your car.  What am I doing?!  One of my best friend's, the Sea Bear, just had a healthy baby boy last week.  In addition, my high school reunion was on Friday.  Both events I missed, and both made me think what am I doing out here in LA? Ever since I was in high school I had a focus to my life and something to work towards.  Now I'm finally out here and I've done what I feared most.  I find myself settling.  I'm sinking to the bottom of the pool and slowly using up all the oxygen of my ambition.  While my old classmates are bragging of their accomplishments in New Jersey, I'm serving a tweeked out Ethan Embry different tequilas that he all claims to be "radically tasty". I say I can't hardly wait for his new movie.  He promptly leaves without tipping.

Nick Papageorgio AKA Ethan Embry

I finally realize I've hit rock bottom when I'm eating Mcdonalds by myself on Thanksgiving.  I was like Macaulay Caulkin in Home Alone when he's eating mac and cheese at the table by himself on Christmas Eve.  Don't start crying over poor Bosby.  Here's a tissue.  Next day I get a call.  It's a job offer from Robin Williams's company to work full time.  There's a catch.  I would have to work five days a week until 7:00 PM, thus putting myself in conflict with my bartending gig in Hollywood.  Alas, this is a problem.  I make more money in a couple hours bartending than I would working at entire day at this company.  Also, I would be risking my primary pipeline to the hot chicks in Los Angeles.  Then I thought, it's been over a year and what have I accomplished?  I need to move forward.  I need to choose a path and simply walk down it and see where it goes.  So after negotiating a raise before I even started, I accepted the job and I start working full time this Monday.  How I'm going to balance this gig with the bartending job?... I'm not sure yet.  Perhaps, I'll pull the sitcom solution and say I need to run to the restroom, race across town, bartend for five minutes and then say I'm feeling sick, and then proceed to race back and forth across town.  That or I recruit my twin to pose as me and work one of the jobs.  Who knows, it's Hollywood.  I'll come up with some solution.  Luckily, this new job means consistent Bosby posting from here on out.  No more taking the week off.  From here on out, I am a new man or at least I'm going to be the ambitious man I once was.  Tune in later for a new edition of the Bartender Hates You!