Did I Mention that the Bartender Hates You!

So this is day two of working double time at my two jobs.  I get to work in Beverly Hills at 9:00AM, then shoot straight over to the bar at 7:00PM, and then get out of work around 3:00AM in Hollywood.  This gives me about 4 solid hours of sleep a night.  While this lifestyle is no stranger to anyone who went to college, it does shorten my patience with all the drunk idiots that roll into my bar after I've been working for 16 hours.  And with that I'd like to present you with a new edition of The Bartender Hates You!  

1.  Never ask the bartender for things that are out of his control.  Furthermore don't ask for things that you want but would affect everyone else at the bar.  What I mean is you don't ask the bartender to turn up the AC or the heat.  What am I supposed to do?  Put ice down your shirt?  Blow on your neck?  Don't complain to me if you're waiting an hour for a table.  Waaahhhhh!  But worst of all is when people ask the bartender to change the music.  Do I look like a DJ?  "Hey can you guys put on a song from my Ipod?"  Are you kidding me?  This isn't your friend's basement.  No one wants to listen to your shitty acoustic cover of "Party in the USA."  And who carries an iPod out with them at the bars anyway?  Answer: socially retarded douchebags who think girls are going to say, "Hey this song is really great, and because you are the one who introduced it to me, I want to bang you."

2.  Don't ask the bartender what's a good bar to go to.  It's like being in a job interview and asking what's a better place to work.  People do this all of the time, especially in Hollywood where it's all tourists and vampires from the valley.  I'm not a tour guide.  Do you go to parties at your friend's house and ask them if there are any better parties in the neighborhood.  Usually guys ask me this question, "Hey where can we go to dance?"  Welll, in your horizontally striped polo and boat shoes, you can probably only get into the hooters and masturbate under the table while eating some chicken wings.  Spicy.

3.  Do not pay for a five dollar drink with a credit card and then ask to close the tab. I know this is unavoidable sometimes, and I understand it happens.  What kills the bartender is when you come up to the bar throughout the night and keep paying for individual drinks with your credit card.  Time is money, and when I'm waiting for the credit card machine for 2 minutes so you can leave me a dollar tip...You get the point.  Carry cash. It's the best way to never leave your credit card behind and bartenders will start to avoid you if you're getting cheap drinks and paying with credit.  This rule also applies when you try and pay for multiple drinks with several different cards.


4.  Do not order some obscure drink you had while on a cruise ship or you learned when you were in douche bag bartending school.  People do this all the time.  They'll order bullshit like a Silver Orangatan Gangbang or a Nazi Julie Andrews and then scoff at me when I ask them what's in it.  They never actually know what's in it, so they then proceed to pull up the drink on their iPhone.  It almost always has 900 ingredients including obscure shit like tangerine schnapps or essence of Mormon.  After I take twenty minutes to match the drink recipe perfectly, they'll tip me a buck and say it tastes different than when they had it last time.  FUCK YOU!  Next time I need a bunsen burner to make a drink, I'm just going to tell the customer to get the hell out of here.


5.  And lastly today's drink you are not allowed to order at a bar is.......JAGERBOMBS!  Jagerbombs are for college students who can only afford to go to some shore town in Virginia for springbreak.  I get how with the whole Jersey shore craze Jager had it's moment, but that moment is gone now.  All Jager does is make people fight their friends and then start drunkenly apologizing as they're thrown out of the bar.  I hope when you drop that shot glass in, it breaks and you swallow broken glass.  I definitely am coming off way angrier than I am in actual life.  Behind the bar it's all smiles and "here ya go."  But this is the Bartender Hates You, and I'm only trying to help ya'll out and let you know why there's human saliva mixed in to your drinks.